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winter break [23 Jan 2007|12:21pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | lover lay down-dave matthews band ] sorry i haven't written in so long. I had winter break from classes so I just worked constantly to make some much needed money. I'm doing better...I still miss Kong so much but I'm dealing. My blind date and I worked out..somewhat...we dated for a bit, before he decided there was "no connection" and ended it. Who knows. After he broke it off I realized I was just trying to replace something I missed. I just wanted Karl back. It's been rough without him. It comes in waves. Some days I don't think of him at all, and some I can't get my mind off of him. Beyond what the terrorists did to New York and our country in 9/11, I hate what they did to him. He lost such a big part of himself when his dad died, and I don't think I'll ever know the kind of person he was before all of that. I just wish he would come home. I hate that he's in Florida. I know he loves fishing and living on a boat for him is amazing, but we're all here. His family, his friends, everything he cares about is here. He isn't even planning on staying there forever, he wants to come back to Jersey eventually. I just miss him. I had a dream about him last night, and he told me he loved me and always had, and he was foolish for not telling me. When I woke up I felt so alone because I realized the only time I'll ever see him is in my dreams...which sucks As Dave Matthews said " I will wait for you, I will wait for no one but you". It's so true. I just miss him so much sometimes. I wish I could have made him stay but in reality how I felt for him wasn't enough to make him stay here. He had to do this for himself. I just hope at times he still thinks of me. For all I know he has found someone in Florida. Sorry this is such a depressing entry, but I just miss him alot sometimes. I'm dealing but he's the first person since Joe I ever felt deeply for. In fact, at times I think I may feel more for Karl than I did for Joseph. I wanted to fight for this and him even when I knewe he wouldn't fight for it with me. How pathetic is that? post comment

I hate this year [12 Dec 2006|06:12pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | cancer-my chemical romance ] Okay. So I'm kinda hitting a rough spot right now. I've had alot of stress in my family recently, and on top of that my mom called me yesterday to let me know my hamster, Kong, was sick. I got Kong last year when I was going through a rough time, and she was the best medicine ever. She was so sweet and she always cheered me up. I couldn't stop smiling when I looked at her, she just filled me with so much love and happiness. It's unbelievable the effect this hamster had on me. She just ...she was the best thing that happened to me this year. I don't know how to describe it, because I've had so many pets, but she just had such an incredible little personality, she was like a little person. I left her home after Thanksgiving because I knew I would only be back here for 3 weeks and I didn't want to keep bringing her back and forth in the cold for the car ride because it's not good for her. When my mom told me she was sick I freaked out and drove home to see her, convinced that maybe if she heard me she'd fight this. When I got home she was so weak she couldn't even lift her head and was taking labored breaths. I just sat with her and pet her back, I wanted her to know she wasn't alone. I don't think she was awake at this point, but I just wanted her to know how much I love her. I went to the movies with my parents last night and when I got back, she was gone. I wish I could have been there with her when she passed so she wasn't alone. She was less than a year old, she was just a baby. She was my baby. I don't know why but I'm taking this so hard. Well, I do know why, because I love her. She had a big piece of my heart and it just aches without her. I cherished her. I know hamsters dont live long but she died so young. I did everything I could to protect her and it wasn't enough. I just miss my little companion. I miss laughing at her hanging from the top of the cage, or her big yawns. I just miss my little baby. I would have done anything to help her. I need to take a breather. But here is the most beautiful, incredible, spirited little furball that ever lived. Everyone who saw her fell in love with her, she had a way of warming a room. I love you sweetie. ( Read more... ) I cannot collect myself at all. I just want her back 1 comment|post comment

angry [10 Dec 2006|10:33pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Peggy Sue-Buddy Holly ] Not a happy post. No, not at all. I have been having really serious problems with my vocal cords the last few months. My voice has been gone for a majority of the last few months. I have maybe had it 5-6 days at most consistently. My parents think I have a nodule on my vocal cord (which is something that I probably got from my tonsil surgery a year ago) and if I do have that, I need to get another surgery. I hate this. My voice has gotten so bad it's at the point of no return, it needs to be dealt with because it's so weak I can't even get it back..even if I didn't talk for days. So thats great. As usual, my health always being awesome. It's so embarrassing because I can't talk..and I've dealt with it for some time now, but in the last few weeks it has gotten the worst its been and now I can't get my voice back at all. It's very annoying and frustrating. Speaking of annoying...drunk drivers. My sister. I have a very very very strong dislike for drunk drivers. It is my pet peeve. My uncle died when he was 21 in an alcohol related car accident. If he was drunk or not we don't know..we know he was exhausted and had been at a bar until late. When he died my dad's family was away camping, except for my mom and dad who were newly married. My dad had to identify my uncle. Ever since my dad has never been the same. He never will be. A part of him died with his brother...and then my sister goes and drives drunk, when she can't even speak. Her speech is so slurred she cannot even make one coherent sentence....and she calls my mom like that. With her boyfriend and her puppy in the car. Her boyfriend is just as drunk but what the hell is he thinking letting her drive?? She makes me sick. She seriously does. She's 24 years old. She claims my family is everything to her..well then why the hell is she so reckless with her life when my dad sacrifices EVERYTHING for her. She is selfish, and I hope to God she gets a DUI so she can re-exam in her life and see what she is doing wrong. Because she needs help. She needs to sort herself out, before she kills herself. Sorry, this is a vent. I am so mad at her for making my parents so upset and worried. It's not right or fair to them 1 comment|post comment

formal [09 Dec 2006|06:34pm] ill update for real later but i just thought some of you would like to see these haha these are from my friend's formal last night and one from earlier this year veryy different 1 comment|post comment

oh the eventful week ive had [06 Dec 2006|11:35pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | getting into you-relient k ] So I posted on Saturday after my Friday night..my very rough/worst drunk ever Friday night. Saturday we had a mixer, which I was actually controlled at...but we were out until 4 am..so I was exhausted for Sunday...which was my blind date..he went to the city (NYC for you non east coast kiddies) to party the night before too which worked out because we were both tired haha Our date..was incredible. I was so scared...and I didn't know what to wear or anything..like freaking out...which I don't do. he picked me up..and was not what I expected. He has McDreamy hair...gorgeous brown wavy hair...hazel/green eyes...great smile..great teeth (which with me is golden)..and his personality? was amazing. I was just drawn to him. He is really funny, and intelligent, and we just talked like we had known eachother all along. I really liked him. He was respectful. He called last night, but I was at a formal for my sorority. I was so upset I missed his call, I left him a voicemail though when I called him back. He called again tonight but I was out to dinner with a friend so I told him I would call him back. When I did he didn't pick up. Here is the problem. I think he's great. and he's the first guy I've met since Joe that I could see myself with long-term. He's the first person who has been mature and well-rounded..and just right for my personality. The problem is, he works with my uncle. If he didn't like me, he isn't going to be a jerk and not call, because he wants to continue working with my uncle. He wants to maintain my uncle's respect for him, and he is a nice guy, so I don't think he has it in him to be a jerk. So if he doesn't have an interest in me..I wouldn't know. Which sucks. He told my uncle he thought I had a great personality and was attractive and that he wanted to go out with me again, but again I'm not getting excited just yet. Why is dating so confusing? I have met so many guys the past few weeks..and I have a couple that have an interest in me..and since meeting Ryan, he's the one I want to get to know. So let's hope for once things work out. post comment

why do i do these things i do to myself? [02 Dec 2006|07:26pm] [ mood | lethargic ] [ music | A-Cartel ] haha yes...I do have the subject of this post as lyrics of I kissed a drunk girl. why? because that happened to far too many people last night haha. last night I went to a frat party...my favorite house that throws parties, which I have been unable to go to because of dry pledge season for my sorority. Well, I went, I drank, I conquered, and then was in turn conquered. I had been dating one of the brothers, very very new though only for a week or so. and he got drunk (he just got into the frat as well so he went through the dry season too) and he hooked up with one of my sisters. He was beyond shitty that night, but ever since things have been weird with us. We aren't anything anymore, but I did apparently care for him. Last night I figured that if I was really drunk I would care if he hooked up with someone else...but in reality, I just was a drunk fool haha. Let's put it this way, it was the worst I have ever been in my life. Alot of people couldn't believe I was still standing, and by the end of the night I wasn't standing, walking, anything. I couldn't walk. I couldn't do anything. My roommate and friend had to undress me and put me in bed. I got very very sick, and everytime I would lift my head up I would say "fuck john ******". I didn't put his name because in reality, he is a great guy. He made a mistake, and we are still friends. He is my date for a formal, and I don't know why I felt so hurt by something so new. Regardless, I had a great time. I don't remember most of the night, and it has been put together for me by several people. You only live once, so I am allowing myself to not be embarrassed. I was very drunk, but I had a great time with my friends, my sisters, and my favorite frat. A little funny story. Well not really funny, but whatever. My uncle works in advertising. He is brilliant. He is responsible for the Joan Cusack show where she travels all over Europe trying different foods and resturants out. He has met alot of people and done truly incredible things. He is also one of my good friends. He is 39, so we aren't close in age, but he is just fun to sit around and drink wine with. He knows how unhappy I am about being single right now. So he calls me up during thanksgiving break, and tells me that he has someone he wants me to meet. He told me a little about the guy, and I figured, it can't hurt right? I have nothing to lose at this point. Life is about chances, so I'll take it. He said he told this guy all about me but wouldn't give him my number until I agreed. So I agreed. Wednesday he called me and we talked for about fifteen minutes. We agreed to meet. He has the nicest voice and he is so sweet and just ...well rounded. He's 26 so he's a bit older, but I am going to give it a shot. Last night I called him and we talked for over an hour. He's so sweet. So tomorrow we are going out to lunch. I'm both excited and nervous. I'm afraid he will see me and I won't be what he was expecting. I am afraid about the whole blind date concept. With that said, my mom is amazing. I was expressing how nervous I am and my mom told me the only blind date she ever went on was when my father. We shall see. Like I said, I have nothing to lose at this point. post comment

It's been a while [01 Dec 2006|01:19pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Breathe Me-Sia ] It's been a long time since I have posted on here. I miss it. Alot has changed. Alot. I ended things with Joe last December. I have an attachment problem...or maybe I grew out of love. Or maybe I wasn't ready. Or just maybe dating my best friend wasn't right for me. I've met alot of people this last year...alot. I dated someone for 4 months that I cared deeply about, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Met alot of people...just people. No one special. In fact, ever since I ended things with Joe, I haven't feel a real mutual connection. The guy I was seeing, Karl, cared for me, but he was handicapped by his own grief. He lost this father in 9/11, and he has yet to confront the pain he is feeling. He's in a bad place in his life, jobless, homeless...uncertain. He's 24 and I was the most stable thing in his life, and even that he could not handle. I was being hurt by the situation and his general disregard for my feelings, so I ended it when I realize we would never meet halfway..that I would always be going the extra mile, when in reality he never wanted me to go that extra mile. He lives for the moment, and avoids taking things seriously, an attitude that was born from his grief. I understand why he feels that way, but I can't feel the same. I care too much for people. My heart, as fickle as it may be, is bigger than my head. I refuse to observe warnings, and rather dive headfirst into painful situations. I am reckless with my own heart and I was reckless with Joe's. He still loves me. After all this time, after the pain I have put him through he still wants nothing but me. And in my heart, more than anything I wish I could make myself love him again. The demise of our relationship makes me question if I just outgrew us while I was in a key developmental time in my life (being the first year of college and all) or if I am just romantically handicapped. We were perfect. Perfect. For whatever reason I grew apart from him, I lost interest, I lost love. If I could love him in that way, if I could see him beyond a friend, my heart would be safe. No one would ever be able to break it again. But as we know, I'm reckless. I'm not safe or logical. I'm bohemian. I believe in love, true, undying, can't live without, breathe without love. I lost that for Joe when I started to change as a person here, and I just hope that I will meet someone who can hold my heart, and be kind with it, and in turn I can be kind with their's, and never break it as I have with Joe's. When I broke up with Joe, I fell out of love. I wanted freedom, I wanted to be single. I wanted my own life. It has been a year, and all I have come to realize is what is a life with no one to share? I'm ready. Ready to dive in, head over feet, for someone. I'm ready to love again. To trust someone with my heart and to be trusted with theirs. I'm ready to feel something more again. In the past year, I have changed tremendously. I have strayed from my old habits. I get depressed and down, but I have been better about handling this pain. I do not take it out on myself anymore. I do doubt myself at times, and often overanalyze things as I always have. But I have grown. I know I'm intelligent. I know I'm capable. I made dean's list with a 3.8 last spring. I go to one of the best public schools in the nation, and I belong here. I joined a sorority ...something I swore I would never do. But my friends, my sisters, they are not typical sorority girls. None of us are. They are fun, loving people, who want to make a difference in the world. I have done more for other people through this sorority and its community service than I have done ever before in my life. It forces me to be a better person, to see beyond myself, and to help others who have not been blessed in the ways I have. If anyone reads this, when you read this, do not judge. Because I judged. I thought sororities were stupid and rediculous and why would someone buy their friends. But that's just it, it's not like that. It's hard to explain to someone on the outside looking in, but I have not changed my morals, and I mean this when I say it has made me a much stronger, more confident person. In this past year, with all of the health issues I have dealt with, which I won't go into because it's lengthy, and all the tragedy I have experienced, I have been forced to see life in a different way. Life is too short to live by rules. Be happy. Make yourself happy. Fuck what anyone says about it, you have this life, just this life to live. So do what you want. Date who you want. Be the person you want. But do not submit yourself to being anything but you. I've made mistakes, I've hurt many people, but I have also grown. I'm an adult, a capable adult, who in a few years will be out of school for good and a part of the workforce. I'm ready to begin my life, to be something to myself and others. I'm ready to make my mark in the world. I'm ready for love. I'm ready to be done dating. I'm just ready for my life to begin. It's too damn short to not go for everything we want. So at the end of this lengthy entry, which I'm sure no one will read since I haven't posted here in forever, I want to say I'm happy. Happy to write again. Happy to be alive. Happy to know that even if I feel depressed, I'm feeling. I'm living life. All of it. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the painful. I want it all. I'm ready. This may not last, I may say I'm scared tomorrow, but today...today I am ready. 5 comments|post comment

F THIS SHIT [04 Oct 2005|01:21am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Konstantine-Something Corporate ] So I went home last weekend for my parents birthdays. My dad's birthday was saturday and my mom's sunday. I found out on my Dad's 55th birthday that he has Barret's Syndrome. This is a condition that is precancerious, and the formation into cancer cannot be prevented, but merely watched. So now my dad is under observation by his doctor. If it does develop into cancer, it is 99% fatal For english last year, I wrote a paper about how much my dad means to me. I wrote that my greatest fear was losing him. When I think about the idea, I get teary eyed, just thinking about it. Today I broke down twice. It's not cancer yet, but when this is the only thing you fear, the only thing you have feared since 7th grade when you lost your uncle, it is terrifying. My sister is really upset too as is my mom. My brother is trying to deny it to himself that my dad is sick. He won't admit its serious. Although it is nothing at this stage, it is a fucking horrifying thought considering its completely dependent on how his body reacts and what its course is. Its early, but its serious and I hate that. I can't not have my dad. I'm crying again thinking about it. I don't even know how to express how I feel. He is the single most important person in my life, hes my backbone. My family, isnt a family without my dad. He is my biggest fan, and he's always looked out for my own good even when I didn't realize it. Now its like we want to look out for him but how, how can we do anything to help? We can't. i feel..useless completely useless My grandma almost died last week because her blood pressure dropped so low that they gave her two pints of blood and kept her in the hospital. She is dying. My best friend has hepatitis. Everyone I care about is hurting, and I can't do anything to make it better. All I can do is be there for them and pray and its not enough it can't be enough because they ARENT better post comment

woohoo im bored [26 Sep 2005|07:31pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Follow Through-Gavin Degraw ] wow I'm so bored. I am sitting around waiting for this program run by my CA to start at 8:00. I had a decent day today. I read constantly for history and its so much work, but I just got back three papers that I turned in thursday and I got a B, a B+, and an A-. Not bad for my first papers. That made me happy..like really happy then my women writing the past class was cancelled. My professor is pregnant and its her first so shes a bit inexperienced with everything. That was awesome because I usually have three classes on both Mondays and Thursdays and instead I only had two today so I could lay down and take a quick nap before math. I love school so much. I have awesome friends and I have so much fun every night and every weekend with them. I got three incredibly wonderful pets in Little Italy in NYC 2 weeks ago. I got a goldfish fluffy, a betta BAM--short for Bad Ass Motherfucker, and a frog spike. Speaking of frogs Joe and I have two of our own that live with him at home. He caught one for my birthday and I loved him too much to let him go. He lives a life of many crickets, his own flower pot, and his own little tree with a little water hole now, which he loves. He caught him when he was just a baby so we have pretty much raised him his whole life. He's doubled in size, and this is his full size now. I will have pictures soon. The other one is much bigger but keeps Froggy company and hes very very very hyper. Froggy sits on his back though and they are inseperatable, so we are going to keep the big frog too. I lost my best friend today. My best friend of 5 years. He is dating a girl that won't let him hang out with his other friends that are girls and hes too submissive to say anything to her, so instead he willingly lost our friendship. It hurts really bad but at the same time I know I can't change the choices he made, and although he claims he can fix it, I know he wont and cant. Regardless of how much it hurts, I have Joe which makes everything so much better. He knows where I'm coming from and is super understanding about it. I love him to death and I'm so thankful I met him. 2 comments|post comment

School! [22 Sep 2005|07:48pm] Okay I will update this more now. I have finally settled into school. I love it here at TCNJ! It's perfect!! I have a great roommate (Meg), we get along well, and I've met my best friend I've ever had here (Mel). I have demanding classes but I love it and I'm being challenged. Let's see...I went to see The Used at House of Blues and the crowd sucked but Bert = God and the show was amazing. My friend Brendan passed away in a bike accident out in Arizona which was a huge tragedy and shock. About a week after he died, a girl that I met at school died in the shower. That was really hard, we had a vigil and everyone was a mess. Definately not fun stuff to talk about which is why I'm going to avid it. This is a small entry and I apologize but I dont even know if anyone reads this anymore lol and by the way Joe and I are amazing. He asked me to marry him on August 13th and I said yes, so thats a HUGE development in my life that I couldn't be happier about. Okay I'm gunna go and rock out to the Used in my dorm, if anyone still reads this comment lol ^ me and Joseph 17 comments|post comment

[11 Apr 2005|11:53pm] me and Shawn at the party that I threw him Saturday night I love him he is beautiful...and in Garden State..that's my man 1 comment|post comment

It's Over [29 Mar 2005|05:14pm] Well I got my letter from TCNJ today and I got wait listed... after two years of hell I got wait listed..I have been crying all afternoon.. I also am quitting track, because I feel like my team doesn't appriciate me and I'm done with it. So yeah...isn't life GRAND this is the single worst day of my life Today is the single worst day of my life...and it's not 1 comment|post comment

Wow..I suck [25 Mar 2005|03:08pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Brand New ] Yeah..I try to update..it rarely happens... Colleges? Still don't know...I'm in at: Richard Stockton College of New Jersey Le Moyne University Plattsburgh State University Arcadia University Flagler College McDaniel College I am still waiting on The College of New Jersey (TCNJ)..my friend from admissions said they would contact me on the latest possible date...so I guess I'm on the bubble So yeah..so far the college hunt has been successful..I need to decide where I'm going to be however. Chip and I are over..We have been for a while, I just haven't had time to update or really get into it. My parents didn't want me to be with him anymore...He left me in Asbury Park, which is dangerous, when he was mad at me at a show and my parents flipped about it. It wasn't just my parents. We were fighting alot. I hated his best friend. His best friend hated me. He became this kid, and I hated him for it, while he didn't see what was wrong with it. Everything fell apart because I didn't know him anymore. To make a long story short, we went on a break, and while on that break, I realized how happy I was without him, and knew that nothing would ever fix what we had. I should have listened to you Eddie, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize you were right, but I guess I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work out at my own pace. It hurts to know that you can love someone so much, and then realize you never knew them at all, but life is full of moments like this, and I think I handled the situation pretty well. I haven't cried. I haven't been sad. I knew it was over, and I knew nothing would change that. I can live again. I am so happy right now.. I am actually the happiest I have EVER been. I'm going to do acting in college (not a theater major, on the side) and I've made incredible friends that were in the plays at my school. It makes me sad that I have wasted so much time on sports, but happy because I have found myself. I have an amazing friend circle, I've become close with old friends, and just..I love the people I'm friends with. I can be myself with them, and that's a great feeling. I met someone at work. How odd...met Brandon at work..now met Shawn. Shawn goes to RBR..so his school is right down the street. He lives closer than Chip did. He understands me more than Chip did. He's an actor, he's fun, hes a kid, and he's at the same place in his life that I am at. He's just..great. Unlike every other relationship of mine, Shawn and I are taking it slow. We both just got out of relationships, and things are going too well to screw with right now. We are "everything but official". Meaning we aren't exclusive. It's a great feeling to care so much about someone, and yet not feel as if they own your soul. He knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, but he's been keeping the shirt with the delicates (if you follow). I have been noticed by guys alot more lately. I'm just more confident, and at ease with things. I have a renewed sense of self. I am..ready ready to go to college, ready to start life, ready to live life. I am living with everything going well for the first time in..honestly forever. things are stellar right now. and by the way..if you ever are in the tristate area...GO SEE SPAMALOT ON BROADWAY Spamalot is Monty Python on Broadway..it has an amazing cast and it's an AMAZING show I saw it last night, with my new friends, and LOVED it one lesson to take with you whereever you go: ALWAYS look on the bright side of life! 2 comments|post comment

best news of my life [01 Feb 2005|09:17pm] MY OLD TRACK COACH, ISNT COMING BACK! The stupid ass that ruined my knee, made me a gimp, and destroyed the last 2 seasons for me, is GONE! She's moving! And the new coach = amazing. She already came up to me and told me that I could design my OWN workouts! I may be a captain this year!!! I'm so happy..I love track, and I've been miserable the last two seasons because of her, and this. Knowing that I'm ending senior year on a good note, is amazing. I don't care about the school record anymore, because I know that my knee isn't strong enough to help me. But I do know, that I'm going to have a great season and it's gunna be awesome. Chip had surgery today, it went well..he's in alot of pain, but it's all gunna be over soon. I layed in bed last night, thinking until all hours, and I feel like things are gunna be okay. Because we both want them to, and tonight was amazing with him..so yes..everything is wonderful right now aside from my knee..which is in the worst pain it has been in, in several months post comment

[01 Feb 2005|12:21am] today i was assigned a paper..philosophy of life paper.. you wanna know my philosophy? that you can never make everyone happy that someone always gets hurt someone doesnt understand that you care someone doesnt understand why you act the way you do or do what you do i cant win, and maybe im not suppose to? so my philosophy on life? you can never make those you love happy..to please everyone, is to tear yourself into little pieces, giving each person one, and giving no one your heart..you let your heart just decay i feel like i just cannot do this anymore..i need to just be in the woods, away from more than one person, away from people because maybe then i wont hurt others, and if i dont hurt others, maybe i wont hurt i dont even care about my own happiness anymore..i just care that i destroy everyone else's if you are smart, you wont befriend me.. 2 comments|post comment

pictures [30 Jan 2005|01:48am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | The Spill Canvas ] pictures of my dark hair and Chip these are from tonight by the way ( oh what a night ) post comment

I won't let you down, oh no.. [26 Jan 2005|12:24pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Alive with the Glory of Love- Say Anything ] Okay. So me and updating, is just not a great combination. I'm sorry. I used to update this ALL the time. Recently I've been kinda everywhere. Thank you all for posting to my last entry. It really meant alot to me. I loved the girl who did this to me, and I still can't hate her as much as I want to. She pretty much took any shot I had at ever gaining self confidence and entirely shattered it. Now at school we talk and it appears that we are friends, but I think it's an act for her, and it's my way to not remember just how bad this hurts. Hmm..as you all know, I got into Stockton recently. Well last Friday, I got into Le Moyne, in Syracuse, New York. I got a $20,000 scholarship, which was pretty cool. Then yesterday, I got into Arcadia. So the college process, has been pretty awesome. I got into 3 of 3 that have responded, and am still awaiting word from the remaining 4. It definately feels good to know that everything I've put into the last few years has paid off. Midterms have been hell. All of them have been noticably more challenging then my classes, especially my AP classes. I made honor roll again, which feels pretty damn awesome, because this year has been the worst for me health wise and academically. But it has been by far the most rewarding, and I do know that it is preparing me for college with time management, so that's good.   Hm..things with Chip..are pretty good.   I have made two awesome friends in the last week, which sounds like such a short time, but they are totally awesome people. Kile, is pretty cool, and he's friends with Chip too, because..well we won't get into it. My friends are his friends though, right? lol   Then there is Eddie, and Eddie if you are reading this..I'm going to be embarrassed but what the hell. Eddie..is the best thing about New Jersey. He's a guy version of me, which has been totally awesome, because we can talk about anything. He loves history, he's smart, he's modest, he's a real person. May I add that finding someone who is real, someone who isn't made of plastic around here, is just unheard of. But he's one of the few. He's really understanding, and when I'm upset, just talking to him makes me feel somewhat better. He's got great taste in music, and I totally love talking to him for hours. Even if we talk about laundry, it just is fun. I don't know, I sound like a dork, but finally having a friend, just feels awesome. I cannot wait until we do our movie and diner night. I think he's just awesome, and I could go on forever, but with each line I become even more of a pathetic dork, and become further from the chance of redeeming myself, so I'll stop.   Yeah..uhm what about me. uhh nothing special. The tattoo is healed, and pictures are soon to come, probably this weekend. Uhmm I gauged my ears..I am currently at a 10. Uhh I dunno..I started the pill? haha I can't find anything exciting about me so I'll just stop trying lol     2 comments|post comment

[19 Jan 2005|06:48pm] I GOT INTO STOCKTON yes..im in college! thank God..one down, six to go I had a bad day this week..well this weekend and this week..Chip ripped his nipple ring out and had to got the ER..that was fun... Got into a huge fight with him over it, and then someone that used to be my best friend ripped me apart..so bad that I was crying hysterically from 8:00-1:30... I was in a fight with Chip still, and called him and couldnt even talk..it was awful nights like those, make me wonder how God could exist, and put such awful people on this planet..I've never been hurt the way I was on Monday 3 comments|post comment

.... [12 Jan 2005|09:06pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Stephen-Senses Fail ] Okay..so I suck at this maintaining my journal routine... MY APPLICATIONS ARE ALL IN..so I am now just waiting...which is scary, and I hate it, but at least it's off my back. Midterms are in two weeks, and are going to be PURE HELL...AP American and AP Euro are gunna be quite interesting. School has been okay..I'm still doin my entire routine where I work my ass off...I don't know why but I am. I recently got pretty damn sick..I got a virus and it attacked my muscles. The same time I had the virus I had a killer sinus infection. So I was actually out of school for 4 days last week, that sucked because I had so much to make up for AP Euro. Whitney came down to visit for a few days around Christmas, during break. I saw her twice :) It was amazing. It was right when I needed her the most, which felt incredible, and I just love being with her. She's the best friend I've ever had. I can't wait till she comes down for Taste of Chaos...I wish I could put into words just how much she means to me. She was all I had when she came down, and she totally took my mind off of everything, I don't know anyone else that could do it with such ease. So just seeing my best friend again was amazing. New Years was pretty insane..I have pictures to come :) Pretty funny stuff....Minus the awful hang-over, I woke up in Chip's arms....Which was in reality, the world's greatest gift. Chip..everything has still been amazing with him. It's 3 months on Sunday, kinda weird. I spend every waking minute that I can with him, and just it's hard to believe its only been three months, because I feel like he's been such a huge part of my life. We ordered tamogatchis last weekend..so we are probably gunna get them on Friday :) I love how I'm totally myself with him. I'm zaney and fun and really most likely five years old. We have so much fun together though..everyday. Last weekend, we went and I got a tattoo..The hanging heart from the Used cd..it looks awesome..Our friend Rob--Boobus haha got one too. It was a good time..lol Chip got his eyebrow pierced...so cute :) Right now, things have been good. My fairweather NJ friends still are kinda doing their things but it's okay because in 4 months, I'm done with my school, forever...which is a really scary thought, but a really great one. I seriously will update with pictures at some point..I promise post comment

[29 Dec 2004|01:42am] I’ve been bleeding well From this old wound Cleaning it with salt, So it will still feel new Sometimes eyes turn black, And sometimes scars are tracks But every time that you’re gone I wish that you’d come back And everyone watched me waste myself And everyone cheered at last And all of them found it comforting Its better it’s me then them. I think I’m doing well from what they say They’ve taken both my belt and shoelaces away Well I believe in luck I think I do Well I believe for sure If ever I see you I’ve been fanning flames from these old coals Feeding them with tender And hoping they will grow And I’ve been savoring What I can’t hold A blind belief in goodness That doesn’t seem to show But I’ve been bleeding well From this old wound Cleaning it with salt, So it will still feel new post comment

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